German Animal Procrastinations
by Balin Lord of Moria
Summary: Written in British-style humor. Slithe and Vultureman read and talk about the traits and foresights of the Animals of Plun-Darr, and Ratar-O robs them of their gold. Satire of the "Procrastinations" sketch in Monty Python's Flying Circus. Includes many Deutsch words and names, but is otherwise in English.


**A/N:** This is a simple parody of the "procrastinations of parody" Monty Python sketch where Eric Idle and Graham Chapman (in drag) read a whole list of synonyms with the word "predict" while discussing astrology. For a little added fun, I made all of the Mutant names and the animal names into their (mostly plural) German counterparts, because I happen to like German, but I'm not fluent enough in it to write the whole fan fiction that way. English meanings for the German words are at the end of this story for those who are interested. This is something I'm been dreaming of writing for a while. I hope some people like this.

_German words are in italics._

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _ThunderCats_ or _Monty Python_. Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Palin, Jones, and Gilliam own _Python_, and Warner Bros. owns _ThunderCats_.

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><p>Morning dawned again on Third Earth. The Mutants of Plun-Darr were getting up and preparing for the day. <em>Schleim<em> was usually the earliest riser, because he didn't fail to notice that all the other Mutants tended to be lazy, especially _Affenmann_ and _Schakalmann_. But as _Schleim_ came out to get a drink of bottled water to drink, he saw _Geiermann_ sitting in his own seat, with a cup of iced tea by his side and a datapad in his hand.

"Well, look who decided to get up to enjoy the day's latest carrion! Yessss?" he said sarcastically.

"Caw! Good morning to you too, _Schleim_," said _Geiermann_. "But anyway, I don't know what's good about it. My right arm is hanging off something awful! Cawwww!"

"Well, you're the scientist," said _Schleim_, "You should know how to have that seen to, or you should have _Rattaro_ see to it. You know he's the only Mutant who cares about you, yessss?"

"What? _Rattaro?_" exclaimed _Geiermann_, "He's killed more of his so-called patients than I've had severe bruises from the ThunderCats!"

_Schleim_ settled in his seat with his water and said, "What about _die Tiere?_ What do you know about them today?"

_Geiermann _thought about it and said, "Well, _Affenmann_ says bust them early, but _Schakalmann_-"

"No! _Die Tiere_ that make up the Mutants of Plun-Darr, you feather-brained heap of _Vogel_ catarrh!" Schleim exclaimed. _"Die Tiere! Vögel! Säugetiere! Die Reptilien! Die Amphibien! Der Fisch! Die Insekten! Die Spinnentiere!_ What does your bloody datapad have to say about _die Kreaturen, die Adler, die Bären, die Enten, die Gänse,-"_

"And this is where you at home can join in," a disembodied voice said as a screen lowered from the ceiling, and _Geiermann_ pointed to each animal word with a stick as _Schleim_ read them off.

"_-die Affen, die Schlangen, die Elefanten, die Hunde, die Kojoten, die Dingos, die Schakale, die Eidechsen, die Geier, die Raben, die Nagetiere, die Ratten, die Gorillas, die Orang-Utans, die Frösche, die Tigerhaie! _Yessss?"

"I don't know, _Schleim_. Cawwww!" said _Geiermann_, putting down the pointer as the screen returned to the ceiling.

"Well what are you?" _Schleim_ demanded, snatching the datapad.

"_Ich bin ein Vogel,"_ said _Geiermann_.

Exasperated, _Schleim_ said, "I know you're _ein Vogel_, bird beak! You have to be more specific than that!"

"Caw! You know what I am, _Schleim! Ich bin ein Geier!"_ said _Geiermann_ with his arms crossed.

"No, more specific than that, _Vogel_ catarrh!" repeated _Schleim_ angrily.

_Geiermann_ sighed. "All right, _Lämmergeier!"_ he said, to keep the peace.

Finally satisfied, _Schleim_ settled in to read the entry about _Lämmergeier_ Mutants. _"Lämmergeier_, the bearded vulture. Must mean you're supposed to have a beard, _Geiermann_. Too bad. You must have plucked all of them out!"

"Well, what does it say?" asked _Geiermann_, not interested in drawing out a conversation about his missing "beard."

_Schleim_ read, "He has green scaly skin, and a soft yellow underbelly with a series of fin-like ridges running down your spine and back."

_Geiermann_ looked surprised and shocked. _Schleim_ continued.

"Although lizard-like in shape, you can grow anything up to thirty feet in length, with huge teeth that can bite off great rocks and trees. You inhabit arid subtropical areas and wear spectacles."

"Caw!" said _Geiermann_, "That sounds a lot more like you, _Schleim_. But it's very good about the spectacles."

"Interesting, yessss?" said _Schleim_.

"Yes, cawwww!" said _Geiermann_. "What about you? What's yours, _Schleim?_"

_"Die Eidechsen,"_ said _Schleim_.

"I'm sorry, what's yours, die Eidechsen?"

"No! That's what I am, _eine__ Eidechse!_" said _Schliem_ loudly.

"But what have to be more spec-" started _Geiermann_.

"No, I don't!" yelled _Schleim_, _"Lämmergeier, Orang-Utan, Golden Schakal, Eidechse._ I'm a mix of all _Eidechsen_."

"Oh, all right," _Geiermann_ submitted. "Well, what does it say?"

_Schleim_ read, "You have green scaly skin and a series of yellow underbellies running down your spine and back-"

"Caw! That's exactly the same, although it does fit you better than it does me!" said _Geiermann_.

"Then try another one," said _Schleim_, handing the datapad back to _Geiermann_, "What about _die_ _Katzen?_"

"That's just another name for the ThunderCats," complained _Geiermann_.

"I know that, feather brain!" roared _Schleim_, "What does the pad have to say about the ThunderCats, already?"

"Oh fine," said _Geiermann_, and he began to read. "Oh, it says, 'A wonderful day is ahead for the Mutants of Plun-Darr. They will be surrounded by friends and foes. _Tigro_ will drop in for lunch, and make _Affenmann_ monkey around. An hour later, _MiniKit_ and _MiniKat_ will play games with _Schakalmann_ on their Space Boards and his SkyCutter. In the evening, _Geparda_ will outrun the NoseDiver, and she will make _Schleim_ sing the blues for the umpteenth time. Before they go to bed, _Mumion_ the Ever-Living will come and declare his undying contempt for them."

"Eeeeehhh!" both Mutants agreed on how ghastly that was. _Schleim_ asked, "What else is there, _Geiermann?_"

"Oh, that's very good," said _Geiermann_, "They will have their next lunch with the lowest quality food they have, due to a food shortage caused by _Leo's_ taking back the food the Mutants plundered from the Wollo and Bolkin villages. In the afternoon, they will die. They will be buried in the Desert of Sinking Sands-"

At that moment, who should appear but _Geiermann's_ favorite Mutant partner, General _Rattaro_, from out of nowhere. It was as if he had floated down through the ceiling.

"Good morning, my wretched soldiers," he said with a false, toothy grin.

"Good morning, _Rattaro_," the other Mutants said.

"And how's your arm this morning, _Geiermann?_" _Rattaro_ asked _der Vogel_ Mutant.

"Caw, it's still hanging off at the shoulder," _Geiermann_ replied.

"Good, well, let's have a look at it, shall we?" said _Rattaro_, and he started to open a little black bag. Well, he tried to. He kept trying to, complaining obscenely the whole time.

"Damn this little bag! Damn it, this thing! Damn this bloody little bag! If there's one thing I hate about being a General, it's this wretched, bloody little bag! OH, DAMN THIS BLOODY LITTLE BAG! DAMN THIS!" He started smashing furniture all over the bag. _Schleim_ and _Geiermann_ just sat there with blank expressions, as if this sort of thing always happened. "Damn you wretched, little bag!" he concluded his complaining as he used the Rat's Eye from his twin daggers to break the lock off the bag.

"Right!" he said, as he put the bag on a table and opened it. Inside, he tossed some gold and silver coins around, and then he found a stethoscope.

"What's that doing in there? Ugh!" He tossed it out a window.

_Affenmann_, who was on patrol duty, was hit on the shoulder by it. "Hoo, hoo! WOO, WOO!" he exclaimed in alarm and flung the stethoscope off of him like it was a slimy worm.

_Rattaro_ put on a pair of gloves and pointed one of his daggers at _Geiermann_. "Hand over the gold."

_Geiermann_ started, and then he got up and put the Mutants' small fortune of gold, which was inside a big cartridge, into _Rattaro's_ bag.

"Come on, all of it!" said _die_ _Ratte_ Mutant impatiently.

_Geiermann_ reluctantly took a picture of a safe off the wall, revealing a real safe. He used the right combination on it, and opened it, and _eine Eidechse_ hand passed out another cartridge of gold, which the one Mutant handed to the other.

"Good, that seems to be okay," said _Rattaro_, "Now I'll just test your reflexes." He opened his coat for a second.

"BAAAAAHHH!" shrieked the two Mutants.

_Rattaro_ closed it again. "Good, that's also okay," he said, "I'll see you next week. Try not to spend too much on food."

"Thank you, General," said _Geiermann_.

_Rattaro_ rose through the ceiling again, and, well...

Fade-out.

* * *

><p><strong>Interlude<strong>

A live image of a seashore appeared, with the waves crashing against some rocks and flowing over the beach. Apparently, the tide was coming in. About twenty silent seconds pass, with the only sounds being the natural sounds of the beach. Then, a man in a Conquistador costume walks out onto the shore, carrying a rapier in his hand. His costume was complete with helmet, armor, leggings, tunic, and light shoes.

He smiled at the camera and said, "Uh, I'm sorry about the, uh, the, uh, the pause. Only I'm afraid the sketch is a couple minutes short this week. You know, the shows aren't as, uh, as long as they ought to be." He took a long look out at the ocean, and turned back and said, "Beautiful, isn't it?"

Not knowing what else to say, he walked out of camera range. For another twenty seconds or so, the ocean waves continue to crash against the rocks. Then, the "Conquistador" came back out onto the beach.

"Look, there's not really a great deal of a point to this," he said, "You're all sort of hanging on at your end, because I'm afraid there aren't any more, uh, jokes, or anything." He waited a moment, and then he shrugged, and walked off-camera again. The view of the sea goes on a little longer, and then...

Another fade-out.

**THE END**

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><p><em>Translations of German ThunderCat, Mutant, and Animal names:<em>

_Schleim_ - Slithe  
><em>Geiermann<em> - Vultureman  
><em>Affenmann<em> - Monkian  
><em>Schakalmann<em> - Jackalman  
><em>Rattaro<em> - Ratar-O  
><em>Mumion<em> - Mumm-Ra  
><em>Leo<em> - Lion-O  
><em>Tigro<em> - Tygra  
><em>Jago<em> - Jaga  
><em>Pantro<em> - Panthro  
><em>Geparda<em> - Cheetara  
><em>MiniKit and MiniKat<em> - WilyKit and WilyKat  
><em>Schnuff<em> - Snarf

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><p><em>Die Tiere<em> - the animals  
><em>Vogel, Vögel<em> - bird, birds  
><em>Säugetiere<em> - mammals  
><em>Die Reptilien<em> - the reptiles  
><em>Die Amphibien<em> - the amphibians  
><em>Die Fisch<em> - the fish  
><em>Die Insekten<em> - the insects  
><em>Die Spinnentiere<em> - the arachnids  
><em>Die Kreaturen<em> - the creatures  
><em>Die Adler<em> - the eagles  
><em>Die Bären<em> - the bears  
><em>Die Enten<em> - the ducks  
><em>Die Gänse<em> - the geese  
><em>Die Affen<em> - the apes, the monkeys  
><em>Die Schlangen<em> - the snakes  
><em>Die Elefanten<em> - the elephants  
><em>Die Hunde<em> - the dogs  
><em>Die Kojoten<em> - the coyotes  
><em>Die Dingos<em> - the dingoes  
><em>Die Schakale<em> - the jackals  
><em>Die Eidechsen<em> - the lizards  
><em>Die Geier<em> - the vultures  
><em>Die Raben<em> - the ravens  
><em>Die Nagetiere<em> - the rodents  
><em>Die Ratten<em> - the rats  
><em>Die Gorillas<em> - the gorillas  
><em>Die Orang-Utans<em> - the orangutans  
><em>Die Frösche<em> - the frogs  
><em>Die Tigerhaie<em> - the tiger sharks  
><em>Die Katzen<em> - the cats


End file.
